By Amber-lee Buendicho
@thepowerofbirth
Motherhood is often portrayed as a time of pure joy and fulfillment, a season of life filled with little feet, bonding, and coffee dates. However, the reality for many mothers is far more complex and challenging. Postnatal depression (PND) affects 1 in 5 mothers, and its high-functioning presentation is an especially insidious form that often goes unnoticed. When people think of depression, they typically imagine symptoms such as an inability to get out of bed, appetite changes, sleep disturbances, and a decreased interest in previously enjoyed activities. While postnatal depression can present this way, it’s important to note that it can also manifest in subtler, less visible ways.
As an advocate for perinatal mental health, I am committed to raising awareness about this often-misunderstood aspect of maternal mental health. One day, while driving and listening to Taylor Swift’s hit song, “I Can Do It With A Broken Heart,” I thought about all the ways mothers show up regardless of the demons they are fighting. This inspired me to recreate the song to help raise awareness about postnatal depression.
High-functioning postnatal depression is particularly challenging because it often goes undetected. Mothers experiencing this form of PND appear to manage their daily responsibilities with ease and rarely disclose their true feelings to anyone. They maintain a facade of competence, all while battling severe internal turmoil. These women may juggle childcare, household duties, and even professional careers, yet behind closed doors, they face the dark void of depression, feeling emptiness, rage, worthlessness, hopelessness, inadequacy, failure, excessive guilt, and even suicidal ideation.
The societal pressure to be the “perfect mother” exacerbates these struggles. Social media showcases idealised versions of motherhood, leading many to feel inadequate and fearful of judgment. Mothers may be reluctant to seek help due to the stigma associated with mental health issues, fearing that admitting their struggles could be perceived as failure or incompetence. This fear is compounded by the anxiety that reaching out might lead to drastic actions, such as interventions from child protective services. And so, they put on their lipstick, smile, and answer questions like "how are you going" with, "I'm fine," when they are anything but.
Through this song, I hope to spark a broader conversation about postnatal depression and the importance of mental health support for mothers. It’s essential to recognise that the journey of motherhood is not always picturesque and that experiencing difficulties does not diminish one’s love for their child or their capabilities as a mother—it just means you are human and need support.
And with that, here is my recreated version - I Don't Know If I Can Do This Because Postnatal Depression Is Tearing Me Apart.
I can read your mind
"She's got it all together, she's just fine"
In her motherly prime
Balancing bottles and dreams, wearing a brave face every time
I'm so depressed, I act like everything's okay every day
I'm so obsessed with perfection, yet it slips away
I cry a lot but keep the house pristine, it's an art
I don't know if I can do this because postnatal depression is tearing me apart
It's a lonely life
And the pressure's too high
Breaking down in the nursery, I hide
As the world keeps asking, "More," I'm struggling inside
I'm grinning, I'm pretending, hitting all my marks
'Cause I can do it with postnatal depression
I can hold my breath
I've been doing it since the baby's first steps
Finding pieces of me in the chaos and mess
Crucial moments, did I dream it all? I guess
I don't know if I can pass this test
I'm so depressed, I act like everything's okay every day
I'm so obsessed with perfection, yet it slips away
I cry a lot but keep the house pristine, it's an art
I don't know if I can do this because postnatal depression is tearing me apart
'Cause I'm barely holding on, can I handle this storm?
They said, "Babe, just smile through it, you'll make it," and I swore
Lights, camera, fake a grin, in yoga pants for miles
They said they'd be here all the time
But the burden feels too high
Behind the smiles, I'm drinking, shopping, losing my mind
Intrusive thoughts and anxiety, no peace to find
Rage simmering, a constant grind
Hidden symptoms, I'm still acting kind
Some days I want to disappear, not be here at all
The guilt of these dark thoughts makes me feel so small
Loving my baby, but feeling like I might fall
Caught in this spiral, trying to stand tall
I want to ask for help, but I'm scared of what they'll say
Afraid they'll judge me, think I'm failing, take my babies away
The fear of not being good enough, it keeps me at bay
Struggling in silence, I face another day
Scroll through the feeds, see the highlight reels, can't compare
Pressure to be perfect, to look like I care
Society's lens, expectations everywhere
The supermum myth, it's just not fair
I'm so depressed, I act like everything's okay every day
I'm so obsessed with perfection, yet it slips away
I cry a lot but keep the house pristine, it's an art
I don't know if I can do this because postnatal depression is tearing me apart
By Amber-lee Buendicho (with a little help from chatgpt)
If you are experiencing depression and need support please reach out to your local healthcare provider or one of these amazing perinatal organisations that can help you:
PANDA www.panda.org.au
COPE www.cope.org.au
Postpartum Support International www.postpartum.net
If you are in crisis and need immediate care please call 000 (Australia)
A bit about me:
My name is Amber-lee Buendicho, I'm a mum of two located on Gold Coast, Australia. I’m a women’s health advocate with an interest in childbirth, pelvic health, mental health, matrescence and the unique challenges motherhood brings, within a feminist framework. I have a degree in Psychological Sciences with Honours and I have further training in perinatal mental health, Seasons of Matrescence, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and Trauma Focused CBT. I’m also completing my Masters of Professional Psychology and hope to practice in the perinatal space as a registered psychologist.
My personal and professional experience ignited a fire within to help mothers feel less alone and their lives that little bit easier. With this passion, I have organically grown a community known as The Power of Birth while volunteering for various charities and in support coordination with Postpartum Support International. The website, blog and podcast is a nice little addition to this 😊
You can read more about my story here if you’re interested: https://www.thepowerofbirth.net/about-us
Can We Talk About This podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/can-we-talk-about-this/id1572162194
Thank you for all your support! Much love x
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